House of Cards

My ability to conform to a normal life, or just keep up with everything that I have going, is all a facade. Normal tasks take effort, mental processing to accomplish, and at some point I will forget do that thinking process, and everything will collapse like a house of cards. This is a genuine fear I have, just one that does not run my life.

I am a financial genius, and completely inept at the same time. I have grandiose plans of how to balance my two checking and two savings accounts(ok so 3 checking if you include the credit union that I have a savings account at). I have read several books on how to limit your spending, how to do a budget, and follow it, pay bills on time, the whole works. I am able to "keep it up" for a period of time, and then it falls apart. I forget to pay a credit cards, my checking account gets overdrafted several times, fees . Thankfully I am now able to fix these, and have minimal damage, thanks to learning how to fail, but I still fail a lot,.... a ton.

This same philosophy carries into my school work also. I am gunk hoe for about the first third of the semester, then my ability to stay up on the work wanes. I can't figure out why, but my drive just dies. I think it has something to do with an inability to see my work contributing to the end results that I am going after.

Now I am an extremely positive person, and happy. I enjoy work, and am pretty darn good at it. But this fear applies there too. What if several aspects that I am in charge of suddenly collapse, or I forget about them. Individual instances happen all the time. I don't allow my mind to wander at work, but this is sometimes how I remember to do things I didn't do the minuet I saw them. I notice an inordinate amount of things I could be doing at any moment, and am torn between which one has a higher priority, and which will have lasting benefit. I try to do the urgent, and the important tasks that are not urgent, as much as possible.

It is like, if anyone actually saw how many times I forget to do something, and then remember later and do it in the nick of time, they wouldn't trust me with anything. I am waiting to see if someone notices this, or if I have a high error rate on any given day, and someone sees how I really am.

After reading the above section, you might wonder how I sleep, or live with myself. No fear, there are positives. Many I might add.

For every time I am worried about what I am doing, and if it is the right thing to do, I discover a better way to do something, or a new insight about an old problem. I am always analyzing what I do and if it is efficient, so I find ways of being highly efficient. All of these ideas concerning my circumstance provide me with a very vivid memory, and ability to see where a system was breaking down, and usually how to fix it.

It is my belief that my strengths overshadow my weaknesses that helps me to see the light of day, and enjoy it. I am also able to put myself in perspective. For different people, there are different roles that they would fit into well, and ones that do not fit them at all. Can you imagine Einstein working as an accountant, daydreaming of relativity and science when he was supposed to be doing "work". Many great people in history were that way because they found where their talents and abilities applied, not how to improve their weaknesses so they weren't as bad. Sometimes their weaknesses were blaring, they just rarely had to encounter circumstances that would demand their use of the weakness.

So as you may have guessed, that is what I am trying to do, find where I fit, and what my strengths are. How can I use them to my advantage, and what "job" or work would best suit those strengths. We shall see, we shall see.