Who am I? What is identity?

So what if I go through a midlife crisis every month or so. It is good to find out some of these answers, or at least ask them. What makes you, ? It is not what you do, not what you look like, who you hang out with, or even what you did in the past. (I think I wrote about this a while ago, but I am going to be taking it deeper, besides, this is how adhd works, you get the same ideas over and over again, you just take them further each time.) It is what you decide to do right now. What you did in the past will affect how easy it is to make the right decision, but that does not mean you will make the right one. And if you were a "bad" person, you still have the ability to make the right decision, it just might go against your accumulated experience up to that point.

(to let you in on some though processes, I am thinking and deciding how deep to go with this topic. What the hey, lets show you some thought process organization.

Topics I am thinking of covering

The core of consciousness, do we really decide our actions, and to what degree

Free will

divergence between self perception and others perceptions

Can we change who we are, and to what degree?

The influence of other people's perceptions of us and its affects on our identity

So I am sitting in starbucks(ina and Thornydale) using these questions to focus my thought on the topic at hand, and struggling in myself to see which ones relate more to the topic I want to discuss, and which would lead away from it, however relevant they may be. I will go with the last line of questioning, and maybe bring some of the others in as they relate. But in my mind, they are all inter related, in ways that I have not thought through yet. Lets get back to topic, if one does actually exist.

If I am aware that a specific person, call them Bob for fun, believes that I am uncoordinated, and I am aware his perception and belief of this, then I begin to act this way (mind trailing off to Quantum Leap episode that deals with this issue, no, come back mind, ok back for now). Well I am highly coordinated(count'em, juggle 5 balls, ride unicycle, like to swing dance, do magic tricks, manipulations, flourishes with cards, bla bla bla) I trip and am aware of what I did, and glance over to see if Bob noticed. Now I become aware of each instance of a misstep, or all of the normal things that people do, but when accentuated through the perceptual filter of heightened awareness, becomes uncoordinated behavior. I may begin to see myself as this klutzy person, and I start noticing every instance of this new formed identity, I start self fulfilling prophecies and perceptions. I have seen this scenario happen over and over again, someone forms opinion based of perception, I become aware of their perception and act according to it.

Here is a worse one. It is not really what believe, simply what you think they believe, that starts to affect you. This is where trouble happens. But how can you really know what others think about you? Here again multiple ideas come to mind.

I believe that you can never fully understand what someone thinks of you. Communication is imperfect at best, and humans do not have full disclosure with each other using this impaired communication. So, take deep breath and listen intently, we can never fully understand how other people perceive us, or what their opinion of us is. No matter what they say, there are underlying feelings that they will not want to express, or can't (because of impaired communication). Lets put an example on this one. You ask, "do these pants make me look fat?". Whomever you asked, can never go completely into their feelings on this subject, because of social constructs of the way communication should happen, (read don't be too honest, but try to hint at true opinion). What if this pant analyzer wanted to be completely honest, they would have to write a dissertation on their understanding of what fat was, how you fit into some of the categories that they list, and do not fit into others. Then their opinion would get completely lost in the shear volume of information that was trying to be conveyed.

Again, I could go off in thousands of directions with topics in the last few paragraphs, but I will bring it back to a point, a leaf on the twig of the branch on the topic of Identity. What are the implications of never knowing what someone's opinions of us truly are? You can only ever get a broad picture of if they like you, and a small amount of info about the specific topic. (I realize I am on thin ice of understanding, both my understanding, and the limits of simplifying down such a complex topic, with lots of other issues involved, but lets proceed). What are the implications? You decide how much to believe of what someone says. "Yes, those pants make you look fat!". Well, decide for yourself how much of this you want to believe. What is their concept of fat? What positive aspects about the pants are they neglecting to mention, simply to sway your judgment. They can never fully express their feelings and thoughts concerning the subject of your pants, and if they could express it, your understanding of what their whole point in the conversation would be confused at best (what are they, a professor of pants, PhD pants, why do they care so much about the positives and negatives of wearing low rise verses classic look).

And I believe I am approaching this line of understanding, where my point gets lost the deeper I try to explain it. That idea, that the more you try to explain something, the more confusing the point gets, intrigues me, and I think I wrote about it before. Must refine, must focus, must condense to a intelligible level so I can share it with others. Ok so back to the first sentence of this paragraph, I am done. I hope you learned a little, disagreed a little, and try to carry some of these ideas further than I have. Let me know if you do, and I will try to write about the ones I touched on, but didn't want to allow to confuse the topic.

House of Cards

My ability to conform to a normal life, or just keep up with everything that I have going, is all a facade. Normal tasks take effort, mental processing to accomplish, and at some point I will forget do that thinking process, and everything will collapse like a house of cards. This is a genuine fear I have, just one that does not run my life.

I am a financial genius, and completely inept at the same time. I have grandiose plans of how to balance my two checking and two savings accounts(ok so 3 checking if you include the credit union that I have a savings account at). I have read several books on how to limit your spending, how to do a budget, and follow it, pay bills on time, the whole works. I am able to "keep it up" for a period of time, and then it falls apart. I forget to pay a credit cards, my checking account gets overdrafted several times, fees . Thankfully I am now able to fix these, and have minimal damage, thanks to learning how to fail, but I still fail a lot,.... a ton.

This same philosophy carries into my school work also. I am gunk hoe for about the first third of the semester, then my ability to stay up on the work wanes. I can't figure out why, but my drive just dies. I think it has something to do with an inability to see my work contributing to the end results that I am going after.

Now I am an extremely positive person, and happy. I enjoy work, and am pretty darn good at it. But this fear applies there too. What if several aspects that I am in charge of suddenly collapse, or I forget about them. Individual instances happen all the time. I don't allow my mind to wander at work, but this is sometimes how I remember to do things I didn't do the minuet I saw them. I notice an inordinate amount of things I could be doing at any moment, and am torn between which one has a higher priority, and which will have lasting benefit. I try to do the urgent, and the important tasks that are not urgent, as much as possible.

It is like, if anyone actually saw how many times I forget to do something, and then remember later and do it in the nick of time, they wouldn't trust me with anything. I am waiting to see if someone notices this, or if I have a high error rate on any given day, and someone sees how I really am.

After reading the above section, you might wonder how I sleep, or live with myself. No fear, there are positives. Many I might add.

For every time I am worried about what I am doing, and if it is the right thing to do, I discover a better way to do something, or a new insight about an old problem. I am always analyzing what I do and if it is efficient, so I find ways of being highly efficient. All of these ideas concerning my circumstance provide me with a very vivid memory, and ability to see where a system was breaking down, and usually how to fix it.

It is my belief that my strengths overshadow my weaknesses that helps me to see the light of day, and enjoy it. I am also able to put myself in perspective. For different people, there are different roles that they would fit into well, and ones that do not fit them at all. Can you imagine Einstein working as an accountant, daydreaming of relativity and science when he was supposed to be doing "work". Many great people in history were that way because they found where their talents and abilities applied, not how to improve their weaknesses so they weren't as bad. Sometimes their weaknesses were blaring, they just rarely had to encounter circumstances that would demand their use of the weakness.

So as you may have guessed, that is what I am trying to do, find where I fit, and what my strengths are. How can I use them to my advantage, and what "job" or work would best suit those strengths. We shall see, we shall see.

What ignites the mind?

Have you ever had something capture your imagination to the point of obsession? All you wanted to do was to understand that subject more, and talk to others that understand it or are a part of it.(For me, I continue to compile this list, and it goes 30 or 40 concepts or subjects deep, with the branching out of topics in each one of these being numerous).

How about the opposite? Have you ever really needed to do something, yet could not get any motivation to get it done, no matter how important it was? There are some things even within an interesting topic that I simply can't seam to accomplish.(managerial accounting, I would sit in class, understand the concepts, and so could not see the connection between understanding the subject and needing to do the homework. No amount of mental reasoning could force me to acknowledge this obvious point, that I really did need to do it.)

What am I talking about? There is a force, strong in people with adhd, that can cause ones imagination to be simply captured by a subject. At this moment in time for me, this is painting, and having an artists eye. Every where I look, I see things in a new way, with new eyes. Everything is about composition, lighting and shadows, negative space, bla bla ba.... you get the point. I feel as though I am on the verge of a major artistic breakthrough, and at any point an art critic will see my first painting(of which I have yet to complete) and will be enthralled with my grasp of color, and my innate sense of composition. Any of the subjects that have captured me like this(for it was not a willful action on my part, in most cases I was content to stay on the previous amazing idea), have been thoroughly engrossing, to the point of almost pushing out any and all of my former interests.

Concerning the inability to focus on a concept of no interest, this is also not a willful endeavor. I felt with these things, that no amount of cajoling could bring about the completion of the given task. I wondered if I was alone in these feelings, but countless times I have discussed this wall, or block, and have found each person that seams to exhibit adhd has had this problem.

more on these ideas to come. I will have to delve into some other issues to reconcile the problem I see with the mental attraction and mental blocks. I find the connection between seemingly opposite ideas interesting(why, I am not sure). But the fact that a new insight in one are can have extreme impact on others has always been intriguing to me. So as I develop a few of my others ideas, I think they will explain this idea further.

Weakness is strength

 
Know thyself. This is a good place to start. I used to think that I could accomplish absolutely anything and that it was natural to me to do this. I know this is optomistic, but it stems from reading some great books on learning, establishing daily habits, and not setting limits on yourself.

Yes I can do anything if I want to put alot of work into it, but not everything comes naturally to me, or would be easy. So what am I saying? I believe people with adhd are primmed to overcome new obstacles, be in environments where they are presented with new information, lots of stimlous, and tons of growth. We are good at learning. I may be good at learning accounting(which I am actually not at all) but to be an accountant would bore me to death. But I love learning the new concept and applying it to new things like the stock market, or predicting the next enron.

So know thyself. Know what you can and can't do. Use what you are able to do, your strengths, and apply those to the areas that need work. Work through strenghts to dimish weaknesses, or at least make them irrelivant. And as I am discovering, a strength is something that comes naturally. You might do it if you were never paid to, and probably do and don't(you do it, don't get paid for it).

I am not an highly internally motivated person. Once I have commited to doing something, then I am motivated by my commitment. But this is ok, really. I know that if someone were not there to tell me I needed to go to the doctor, clean my room, or change my oil, I would not really want to do it, and not only want, I would be incapable of doing many of these things without an external reminder. I am learning to impose these external reminders upon myslef, but that does not mean the condition does not exist. The degree I am willing to accept this about myself, the better I can get these simple tasks done in my life, and will be able to do the large and far reaching projects that I have the passion and dreams for.

New Insight

 
I have been doing some research as of late. Ok, so I have been doing a lot of research. I had a conversation with a person from work who has a close relative with bi polar disorder. This condition has intrigued me. I see many differences between adhd and bi polar, but there are a few similarities that show the inner workings of the brain that I am intrigued by.

I also just finished 2 books on speed reading, several on memory, more on adhd, new prognosis and treatment, lots of good stuff. So I have material to do quite a bit of writing for now.

I am not able to expand on this yet, but some of the ideas are very exciting to me, and we shall see where they take us.